You might expect kids or teenagers to think their feelings matter more than anything else.
But by the time you’re an adult, you should know better. Feelings matter, but tasks and relationships usually matter more.
Some recent examples:
- The post office switched to a new software system a few weeks ago. The clerk processing my request didn’t know how to send my books to Europe using the new system. Gina, the clerk at the next counter, said she knew how to use the new software. But she said the clerk waiting on me had to learn the hard way by himself, just like she had. Then she walked around to the back. Whatever Gina’s feelings, she was putting them ahead of customer service. I had to wait about 20 minutes while he learned by trial and error. And the line behind me grew longer and longer.
- As a manager, Harry always let his feelings get the better of him. When he was upset, he yelled, cursed and got in people’s faces. If he didn’t like someone, he felt justified in putting them down and giving them impossible quotas and deadlines. He became a nit-picking micromanager. Acting on his feelings got in the way of being a good manager.
- Alice, a chief information officer, didn’t like the style of the CEO, Jack. He hadn’t done anything particularly wrong, but he wanted to talk more often than she did. She took this as a lack of trust on his part. So she wouldn’t work with him. She avoided him, was caustic to him in public and private, and ran him down behind his back. Finally, she blew up and told Jack off. Alice’s justification was that she didn’t like him, she wasn’t going to repress her feelings and she could express her feelings any way she felt like. She left feeling righteous because her feelings came first. And that got her fired — and not for the first time.
These people think they can act out in any way they want in order to express themselves. They look and sound like the spoiled brats from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”
Some people see this kind of behavior as generational — something that spoiled young folks do because they were raised to think their feelings are the most important things in the world. And some might see it as the behavior of technology geeks who don¹t have good interpersonal skills.
Not so in these cases. These examples involve people in their 50s, not their 20s. They weren’t new to the workplace. They should have known better.
Of course, feelings can be useful signals about what we like or don’t like. But it’s a mistake to think we can or should act out in any way they drive us.
What can you do if you find yourself on the receiving end of this kind of behavior? All situations are different and, therefore, your tactics have to be adjusted for those differences. For example, the effects of this uncivil behavior are worse the higher the position of the perpetrator. Managers and leaders who act this way can set a selfish, angry tone for everyone around and below them.
With that caveat, here are some suggestions:
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Ben Leichtling, a Denver-based speaker, consultant and leadership adviser,
and author of “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,”
can be reached at 303-458-6616 or Ben@LeichtlingAssoc.com.
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